A few years ago I had a dream where I was abducted by aliens who showed me a series of impossible movies. It’s hard to describe the movies without cheapening their effect. They were really cool and defied laws of physics and art.
Since then, the idea of an impossible movie has stuck. The ones I come up with, though, are, or course, bound by the limits of my imagination (obey the laws of physics etc.), but they are impossible in that they could never be produced today.
The following pitch is based on this tweet from 2021:
Dear Bob Iger and Denis Villenevue,
Hello!
A big problem with the new Muppets movies is that my favorites are the ones based on books (The Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island) and the new movies are not. Don’t fear. My movie idea Muppet Dune instantly corrects this problem by being based on the novel Dune. Denis, you’ll be familiar with the subject material since you just directed Dune Part Two. I thought you did a great job!
We open, as ever, on Caladan. Paul Atreides (Timothee Chalamet (it’s ok, we will pay him less for this one)) pretends to sleep as his mother, Lady Jessica (Miss Piggy), and a wrinkly Reverend Mother muppet discuss his possible chosen one status. “If he is the Kwisatz Haderach,” Piggy suggests to her companion, sensing young Paul is secretly awake “maybe we’ll make him cookies.” “Cookies!?” Timothee bolts up in bed only to be walloped by Miss Piggy’s purse.
Ok. That’s scene one. Obviously there will be lots of other gags cause I know the Muppets are all jokes per minute, but I’m trying to keep this as short as possible. For example I think it would be funny if the Bene Gesserit power of voice was an exaggerated Miss Piggy voice that Timmy has to imitate. Let’s keep going.
Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (any willing/cheap Skarsgård) discusses with Piter De Vries (Uncle Deadly (see below)) and his nephew Rabban (Sweetums) an evil plot to kill Duke Leto—a dart is thrown at a board shaped like Kermit’s face—and frame Lady Jessica—the same in a Miss Piggy dartboard. “Who will do the deed, Baron?” Cut to an empty patch of wall. Vladimir throws a tantrum. An overworked factory producing dartboards in the shape of the Harkonnen’s enemies faces brings out a third of Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker (Dr. Wellington Yueh).
Cut to Bunsen and Beaker bustling around Kermit (Duke Leto (the frog obviously)) as he and his family movie into their palace on Arrakis. They are swept aside by Thuffir Hawat (Sam the Eagle). Timothee trains with Duncan Idaho (Animal) and Gurney Halleck (Dr. Teeth (sort of a big role for Dr. Teeth, but I think he’s ready)). In a tender moment, Kermit pulls his son aside and he and Timothee sing a song about responsibility and knowingly walking into a trap called “Fear is the Mind Killer”.
Kermit, Animal, Dr. Teeth, and Timmy meet Dr. Liet Keynes (The Great Gonzo) to take a flight across the deserts of Arrakis. Gonzo is surprised that Timmy has put his still suit on backwards so that he has a front-butt. (see diagram below). This is how the Fremen of Arrakis where their suits. “How did you know to do that?” He asks. “It just…felt right.” Timmy lightly touches the front butt (see below).
From the ornithopter, they see the Shai-Hulud, the giant sand worms of Arrakis (and I think Slimey (Oscar the Grouch’s Pet worm would be a delightful cast here). Unbeknownst to our party, Bunsen and Beaker have cut the breaks on their thopter and, at the same time, are remote controlling a little fly to buzz around the cockpit.
Kermit, Animal, and Gonzo duking it out in the cockpit? That’s guaranteed laughs. Rotten Tomato score is at 95% tomatometer (100% audience score).
Anyway they all get back safely.
Kermit hears advice from Sam the Eagle who is convinced that Miss Piggy is the one who tried to kill them. Kermit dismisses his mentat and calls in Miss Piggy. Using her overbearing sexual energy she converts the conversation of her possibly masterminding Kermit’s death into an argument over why they aren’t married yet. They make love.
That night, the palace is attacked by the Harkonnens. In the melee, Animal and Dr. Teeth go ballistic on some Sarduakar shock troops, Kermit is stabbed by an extremely apologetic Dr. Bunsen and Beaker, and Miss Piggy and Timmothee are kidnapped by the Harkonnens. Gonzo rescues them, jumping out of their ornithopter into the desert. As a sand worm approaches, Gonzo tells Timmy and Piggy to run He does a funny stomping dance that attracts the worm, sacrificing himself.
Now Piggy and Timothee are stranded in the deserts of Arrakis, and I think it’s gonna be pretty funny to watch Miss Piggy make a big fuss about it all. Timmy is upset because he’s having visions as the chosen one and he lets Piggy know that she is pregnant.
They are ambushed by a group of Fremen. Timmy locks eyes with Channi (Zendaya again). Their leader, Stilgar (Fozzie Bear), takes them back to their underground city where Timothee is challenged to a joke-off with Jamis (Lew Zealand). This brings me to an important feature of Muppet Dune lore which is that the spice melange is laughter. Or it makes you laugh? It’s somehow related to laughing, and jokes, and laughter are as important Muppet Fremen society as water was to the Fremen in the original books. Timothee tells a joke so funny that Jamis dies of laughter.
On Giedi Prime, the home planet of the Harkonnens, son of Vladimir Harkonnen, Feyd Rautha (Scooter) is in a duel of his own. He kills three drugged slaves. This scene is about Stellan Skarsgård hearing that Timothee may still be alive and plotting to destroy him once and for all with Scooter and Sweetums.
Back on Arrakis, the Reverend Mother(s) of the Fremen (Waldorff and Statler) are dying, so Miss Piggy has to drink the Water of Life to inherit all their memories. Piggy doesn’t want to because it’s a slimy, stinky brew and Waldorff and Statler are roasting her very hard.
Zendaya helps Timothee survive in the desert. They fall in love. He comes across the desert mouse Muad’Dib (Rizzo the Rat). You can pretty much milk that for three minutes. When Timmy catches and rides the largest sand worm ever seen, as the prophecy foretells, Fozzie is looking on in awe and whispers under his breath “waka waka”.
FLASH FORWARD. Miss Piggy has delivered her child, Alia, a super intelligent frog-pig freak. Timmy and Zendaya’s son Leto (Walter) has been killed by Harkonnen’s. Dr. Teeth rejoins Timmy just as he drinks the Water of Life himself. He becomes the Kwisatz Haderach and performs a killer comedy routine that convinces them to make war on the seat of imperial power.
They attack and Timmy enters the throne room to fid Emperor Padishah (Camilla the Chicken). “BAWK!” The audience is crying. For the death of Vladimir Harkonnen: Animal pops his balloon suit and he goes flying all over the place (see below).
Timmy dispatches Scooter in a duel and takes Princess Irulan’s (Janice’s) hand. Zendaya leaves the throne room, betrayed by her love.
Galactic Jihad has begun!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read this, Misters Iger and Villeneuve. Your refusal to make something out of this gold mine just goes to show how broken Hollywood truly is.
-Anonymous
Should I watch Dune / Muppets to understand this one?
Impeccable casting! I'm sold!